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OK, so this person hasn't seen the film, but until I get two more like this, I can't be bothered making another page called "Didn't see the film, but liked it anyway". So lazy, lah. I didn't see the film, but judging by the trailer, I already love it. Oddly enough, I found out about it through an unsolicited email by white supremacists who are upset with the movie on ideological premises. I was impressed with Stephen's diligence in mastering Chinese even to say what he needed to say regarding taking your hand in marriage. Being
from the United States, I don't think about Chinese being in New Zealand,
so that was something for me to think about. I work with some people
at work who are Chinese, and one of my friends who is Chinese told me
that she would only date Chinese men. I assume that this is more of
a cultural thing: perhaps in maintaining traditional values. --- I saw your
movie travelling from Europe back to New Zealand (via the States) and
I loved it! It has been a real eye-opener to see what happens when you
move from your old country to a new one and try to preserve the 'old'
values. --- I just finished watching the DVD (which I rented for a day) and I wanted to take a moment to congratulate you on creating such a poignant and flat-out endearing movie. I'm not, nor have ever been, in a cross-cultural relationship, nor have I ever had to deal with my parents disapproving of any of my former partners, so I suppose I really don't identify with any of your main issues in terms of a personal history. However, I was really moved by your story and am always grateful to be filled with empathy, and, thus, wanted to say thanks and wish you and your darling husband a long and fulfilled life together. --- --- I watched your film the other day and it really brought it home for me... Your story is just like mine except I'm the 'white' girlfriend of the eldest son of a 'lets pretend to be ok with this' Taiwanese family. It sounds strange but I found so much support in your film... I've had to try so hard to fit in with Al's family but at the end of the day I've just have to accept that I'm never really going to be "in" the family. I don't know where to start... In the years we have been together so much has happened and somehow we've survived it all.. For a long time Al's family, did their best to break us up... When Al and I started going out it was all very secret... I had a couple of flatmates and lived away from home so Al would come for visits... only to leave at 1 or 2 in the morning... (sound familiar?). This charade kept up for months and months... until I'd had enough... I put the hard word on him... he couldn't come over and expect to spend a couple of hours in bed if he wasn't going to stay ALL night... so he did... It was a whole year before I met his mum... It was incredibly awkward and she grilled me constantly in her broken english about which school I'd gone to, where my family home was, what my degree was in and whether I would give her grandchildren albeit half-breed ones... It was so traumatic.. I was almost glad when she managed to spill her drink on herself... Who knows what she thought of me... It was just all VERY unpleasent... Skip forward a year or so... I still hadn't met Al's dad but things were progressing nicely... Al and I were doing great... we'd taken holidays together, he'd met a large chunk of my extremely large extended family and I was head over heels in love... Things weren't easy and out in public I received nasty looks and comments from Taiwanese girls. There was a real atmosphere of 'How dare I do this to THEM". It was at about this thime that I found out that Al's parents had been parading potential wives in front of him and had even tricked him into a 'family' trip overseas only to find that family meant him and a family friend's (Taiwanese) daughter... Their blatant lack of respect for me and the choice their son had made was really hard for me to deal with.. Some times I thought about walking away. But then I would remember how much I love Al and somehow manage to just shake it all off... I met Al's dad for the first time 8 months ago... I was largely ignored but I guess it wasn't too bad... I did recieve a huge lecture about not ruining his son's life after he found out we were moving in together! And of course it was assumed I would immediately get pregnant to entrap his prize son... Admittedly since then things have gotten a little better... I heard from Al's brother's (Asian) girlfriend that his mum had said publicaly that she liked me.. (Although I haven't seen her in over a year) and Al's Dad has come to the realisation that I'm sticking around.. He even managed to extend me an invitation to visit the family home in Taiwan (As long as Al and I stay in a Hotel).. and the biggest step of all was when just last week he asked after me while he was talking to Al on the phone! It has and is really hard... Al's family (who have long preached a mantra of acceptance and understanding) are just startng to let me in... I wouldn't say welcome me in... but they are getting used to the idea of me... Being raised in NZ, Al has a strong personality and iron will and I think part of his parents quasi-acceptance of me has a lot to do with them not wanting to lose him... Oh well I'll take it however it comes... I think the worst part about all this for me has been the reaction of other non-NZ raised Taiwanese... The comments and looks I've had to endure have been awful... I am not shown any respect... I once over heard one dub me the "evil white girl"... But at the end of the day this is not about them it is about Al and I and thankfully together we are really strong... Al and I were having a conversation the other day about things.. and he really hit the nail on the head... he said our relationship works because its colourless.... and he's right... I just wish that everyone else could see it that way too. Thank you Rosanne for making such a wonderful film... This whole family thing is not easy for anyone... I sincerely wish you and Stephen the very best! I hope that your folks find a way to accept him.. family is so important... I hope it works out.. Wish me luck too! --- Firstly I would like to congratulate you on the success of your film. I watched the BiaN DVD, which I pre-ordered via your website, a few days ago and really enjoyed it. I stumbled across your film while surfing the net for information to help me better understand my own intercultural relationship. I am a white Aussie male who is currently involved in a relationship with a Hong Kong Chinese, similar to yourself and Stephen we met at a university sporting club whilst she was studying in Sydney. Following her graduation she had to return to Hong Kong, and we now in the process of trying to get her family’s support for her return to Sydney. The fact that you share your feelings so openly in BiaN gave me a better perspective on what she might be going through. I am going to send the film to her in Hong Kong, so it is confirmed you now have a “limited release” international distribution ;) Personally it was very easy for me to relate to this film both because I am in an intercultural relationship, and moreover because it had many parallels to my own family. My father, who is from a similar generation to your parents, grew up also harbouring racist attitudes, so when my eldest sister married an Aboriginal Australian my father refused to see or speak to her for seven years, (Roseanne you had it easy girl!), however once he was able to come to terms with his misconceptions about the Aboriginal culture, and his fears about being ostracised in his own community, he was able to establish great relationship with his daughter and his four grandchildren. I guess stereotypical parents clinging to outdated cultural values and attitudes, is something that can be found consistently across all cultures, as are children struggling against this. That said the film did highlight some of the cultural differences between the two cultures, such as the role of the family and the relationships between family members, in particular the strong sense of filial piety experienced by some Chinese, something I still don’t quite understand/appreciate fully, but nevertheless have come to respect as fundamental part of the culture. This film has definitely shed some light on my relationship and helped me understand why it is necessary for my partner to have the support of her family in our relationship and to a lesser extent what might be the reasons for her parents’ reservations. So all I can say is thank you for making such an honest film. Disclaimer: As an Australian citizen I in no way support any idea, product, service, or sporting team etc. from New Zealand; any content within this e-mail that states or implies otherwise is subject to this disclaimer ;) --- Well, I was excited to see your film included on Air New Zealand's list when I started to look for something to pass the hours between LA and Auckland yesterday, or was it the day before. I'd missed it earlier in the year despite being advised it was must-see (sorry!). Anyway, maybe that was good, because the your so-human story held me awake and totally absorbed and I was very grateful. Not only for bringing me back from tiredness to alertness but for your being prepared to offer such an honest personal story, one which inevitably must help in understanding about crossing cultures for those of us watching. I guess you're happily married now, and I hope your parents both found a way to join you in your celebration - but that of course is the happy ending version. All the best, and thanks for a great film. --- Hi Roseanne. I finally had a chance to watched your DVD after hearing so much about it from my sister. I spoke to you briefly at the Going Bananas forum. As I watched your film, I can sympathize with what you went through as I been through as I went through this myself. I was born in Malaysia and came to NZ when I was 8 years old, so somewhere between a banana and 1.5 generation. My ex-girlfriend was Brazilian and were together for nearly 4 years. I did the opposite to you by being honest and pretty much kept parents informed about most things. During this time I could not understand why they could not be happy for me. Their hostilities towards the relationship seemed unjustified as we were happy and she was making efforts to learn about the Chinese culture including learning Chinese. It has been very interesting to reflect on what has happened to me after watching your film and attending the Going Bananas forum. One of the things that stood out for me during the forum was the portrayal of Asians in the media. Stereotypical roles includes Asian males were portrayed as kungfu masters and Asian females as sex symbols. This is a key point in understanding why certain people are attracted to certain people and not others. Attraction comes naturally but this is conditioned by our experiences as we grow up, in our case, the media. As I was growing up, I never really watch Chinese movies and with the lack of positive Asian roles in the mainstream NZ media, it not surprising that I would be attracted to European girls and find myself wanting to be European. This is different when you look at people who did not assimilate into the mainstream NZ and live their Asian lifestyle within NZ. I think it is great that you put a spotlight on this issue. What would have made the film complete is you covered more about your parent’s side of the story. It is important to go deeper into understanding why they react the way they did and what are the values driving their behaviour. It would have been very interesting for example to interview your relatives for example as when they came to your wedding. I have moved back home so I deal with this type of traditional Chinese parents everyday, not easy after living on your own in a European country. One thing I really wanted when I moved back was to have a good relationships in the family so I have been doing reading trying to uncover the reasons behind their behaviour. I think the reason why our parents react the way they do is they see us losing our culture. Your parent’s wish for you to learn Chinese as a condition for marrying Stephen is a clear example of this. It is hard for someone of the different ethnic group understand the Chinese culture especially if we cannot maintain it ourselves. This is a very good book Spectrum of Chinese Culture by Lee Siow Mong (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/9679780805/ref=sid_dp_dp/002-8397548-5905612?ie=UTF8) I have a copy if you are interested. I suggest you do a google search on Confucianism as a lot of their values and behaviours come from this. This is a good site http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confucianism As for me, well time has moved on now, I have moved back to New Zealand after over 3 years overseas and I have a new girlfriend. She is Chinese and it is so funny to see how different my parents treat her. I have just come to accept that them as the way they are and to do things to make them happy (within reason of course!) as they only have good intentions at heart. This issue of interracial marriage is going to increase with globalization. The only way things can work if we are strong in our own culture as well as being open minded to the cultures of others. I hope we can find a way to continue this discussion that you have started with Banana in a Nutshell film in other ways. It saddens me to see inter-generational tension becoming greater and greater. Good luck with your other films, will keep an eye out for it when it comes out. --- I came from Taiwan back in ’89 with my parents, so obviously I’m the 1.5 generation here [New Zealand]. I thought the film was great, because it definitely points out things that I couldn’t really explain to my kiwi fiancé, as he doesn’t quite understand. But certainly the film makes him understand a bit more. When we came out of the movie I said to him “I think you had an easy way out, because it didn’t take long to convince my parents and you didn’t have to learn Chinese”. Your love life is quite similar to my friend’s except her parents are actually in Taiwan, but they also disapprove their relationship, even though they were not here and have never met the guy. However, my friend’s kiwi boyfriend actually speaks some Chinese, he learnt in Uni and also he went to Taiwan and study for it for a short time. Anyway, I would love to send your BiaN to my friend’s parents and hope that will change their mind about my friend’s relationship and let them get married. By the way, I do agree with your film about how Asian Parents and Children grow apart as they get older, and the way your father reacts is just so Asian, I don’t know if there’s any better way to put it. My father is like that too, but my mum is very different. I questioned my father last year about why wouldn’t he just tell my mother that he loves her, and his answer was “I do things for her and that’s how I show I love her, isn’t that enough?” and I told him that “Sometimes people just like to hear the words “I Love You”, because you always do things for them that after a while they don’t know it’s love they perceive it as “You suppose to do it for me””. My father will not tell me that he loves me, unless he writes me a letter. There was once I send him a txt msg and he got angry with me and wouldn’t talk to me for 3 days. And when he finally call me he told me that the way I wrote to him is more like writing to a friend and not to a father. In a way I envy my fiancé how he can communicate with his parents like friends, which for Asian tradition / culture it is a forbidden thing, as you will never be in the equal level with your parents. Sigh… --- no doubt you've recieved and will get many emails such as these, but i just needed to say thank you for crystalising my greatest fears and thoughts in a movie... the whole time i was watching this film i felt as if it was my story... having
gone thru and fought the same battles and feeling all the same feelings
and fearing all the same things i cry and cried and cried while watching
your movie. my teeshirt was wet down the front when the lights came of course
my fight was slightly different in that i am an only child, with that
i have little emperor privilages and with that i must pave my own path
and fight my own battles alone. i too lived like you did staying with
my then boyfriend till he was ready for bed then drove home to my half
room at my parents house and then sleeping till breakfast (which my
mother cooked :) but i unlike you called thier bluff... i did feel at
the time "for what am i to lose? i barely understand thier ways
and they barely talk to me" its never really been the same, but
it will never be the way my western mind (and heart) wants it to be.
i went thru a very akward period (of about four i dont
regret anything i did or said as it all leads me to where i am today,
and i please with the out come, i turned the tables and i have some
power in that i can do what i want and be who i want to be and i stand
in noone today i
live with my american (white, blond with long surfie hair no less) fiance
in a shoe box apartment in town... we have dinner about once a week
with my parents and its become a relaxed social thing with reserved my next
deliema (as there shall always be one) is that what is a "wedding"
meant to be like? there are really no "between ground" traditions,
as white is the colour of funerals (it would be like going to your wedding
in black, anyways,
sorry about ranting but knowing that your of the same breed with obiviously
some insight in to the whole ordeal perhaps you have some light to shed,
perhaps it could be your next movie, i would love to know what your
parents thought of the movie or if they even saw it... anyways, thanks
agian for telling the rest of the world whats its like, and thank you
for to steven for setting the standard for my partner. and being a willing born in
PR China --- Right now
I've just been thinking about Roseanne's statement about geeks and coolness
and I totally agree, having married a science geek myself, but I think
I take it a whole step further than that. I've just realised that as
a science geek I have quite a number of friends who are also technically
science geeks, and some of them also collect science geek friends too.
But now we claim our science geekness as a badge of coolness because
some of the things about being a science geek (brains, reason, growing
up outside of social norms etc) is that you realise that being bound
by society expectations is not necessarily a good thing - actually then
you realise it's not necessary at all really. And so by embracing yourself
and who you are, you become freer and get to do stuff that you want
and be who you want and enjoy your life a whole lot more than other
people because you don't feel the need to conform to silly restricting
unwritten rules about behaviour, and so therefore you develop your own
level of coolness. Which is part what Roseanne said about cool being
not worrying about what others think. Or not letting other people's
ideas dictate how you behave. Which is where we are at now. And loving
it. Like one of my geek friends who has a geek friend who was part of
a team who did the 4-team relay cycle race around Lake Taupo a few years
ago on unicycles. Now how geeky is that? And how absolutely cool! They
must have had so much fun! Although
in their case it's partly cultural - the repressed, Anglo-Saxon staunchness
and all that that entails, but in part they both had their own problems
that they brought to the marriage that just gave us poor kids little
chance really! But it was - nice is not the right word here - to see
someone else feel similarly about their parents' contribution as I do
- even down to the realisation that everything they did for me was out
of love, and their idea of showing love was the best they knew but it
doesn't make it a good model! They do the best they know, so we have
to respect them for that, but on the other hand I don't think we should
settle for that best if it isn't the best for us. And now I have to
find the little place of balance and acceptance in between these two
positions.... |